Here some quotes of my favorite stand-up comedian!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by
saying you’re too tired.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
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